My regrets

Raising kids is hard.  It is hard to see them in pain or struggling, not knowing how to figure out complex emotions, not knowing how to express theirs fears and anxieties, not knowing how best to show them love and show them discipline at the same time.  I regret a lot from the girls childhood.  I worked too much, so much that when I got home, I checked out.  I regret that so much.  I regret not reading to them as often as I should.  I still rgeret that because I don;t do it as often as i should.  I need more books, more time.  I yelled too much.  Sometimes I do still and I hate it.  I hate it when the night before they go to their mother’s for a week one of them has a hard night, or it is busy and I really just want to sit and watch a movie with them all night and blow off homework and baths, but those things need to occur.  School is important, being clean is important and bathtime can be a good time to just chat and goof off while still getting things done.  I don’t think I have done all I can to be the best dad.  I honestly still don;t think I am there.  They know Ilove them, they know I am proud of them and I will not ever let that knowledge slip from their minds.

Monkey Feet

“Monkey” and “Spider” were the affectionate nicknames my father had for my brother and I.  I can’t remember if ne of us was more monkey or spider, but for some reason I always like to think I was the monkey, though it was likely both of us.  The monkey survived long, spider, well, I guess I never liked spiders.  From the early days, the girls, and now many many others are monkeys, monkey-butt, there was the “I want to be a monkey, a monkey monkey monkey do you want to be one too” song that I had on my computer.  I think it came from Ren and Stimpy by the sounds of it.  Both girls have at times been little monkeys and monkey-butts.  Now that has extended to Kameron, a true monkey-butt if ever there was one.  Kelsie, not necessarily a monkey-butt, as I am not sure if teens can can be monkey-butts, buttheads, text-monkeys maybe.

Maylie, however, has the unique role of being the only child to earn and deserve the nickname of “monkey feet.”  From at possibly two years old, maybe even younger, her little toes were grabbing things.  Usually, cabinet handles on the entertainment center, and she would open and close those doors, over, and over, and over and over….  I mean incessantly.  It would drive me nuts.  I would just says “Hey, can the monkey feet, monkey butt.”  Her nickname for years along with so many others, was monkey feet.  Maylie could fall off a chair that wasn’t moving even when she wasn’t either.  Yet given a good toon, she could reach backwards with one foot, hook it under a chair behind her, and pull it up under he money butt and sit down withotu missing a beat.  The feet man, the feet, magical.  Women’s soccer was really getting popular, girls and soccer was the thing to do (still is I think) and here was pure magic money feet.  The dreams of a “Maylie” Hamm faded when she discovered that she really didn;t like soccer.  At all.  Not one bit.  I thought about this the other day May May (your most recent nick) and I had seen the picture, probably the closest I could find of the pure bred monkey feet in her normal habitat, with her protege ready to learn at the feet (pun intended) of the master.  I love you baby girl.

Moon Talk

Thursday last week, I told you both that when bedtime comes to look up at the moon and think about us here and we will look up at the same time and think about you.  You both are so cute.  When you go back to your mother’s, you both make it sound like it is something you count the days during, that you know it is only seven days.  I am not sure if that is to reassure us or to reassure you.  Either way the 7 and 7 is secure.  It won’t change. 

On a serious note…

I finished a book last night and it made me really think about things, about family and what it means for kids to go through a divorce.  It made me remember or think again about things from my own childhood when my parents divorced and what that means to kids.  I remember not understanding what caused it, and getting no help from either of my parents why.  Now I remember things half heard, things each siad or didn’t say throughout my life.  I thought for a while it was our fault, my brother John and I, that one of us did something.  I remember the struggles with money, the resentment of both parents, and later, as I got older, how all i wanted was to really just know that I was at least an ok kid in their eyes, for them to feel proud of me.  I want you to know that I am proud, and always have been of you kids.  I watch you grow, watch you learn, figure things out, love.  It fills my heart, it gives me inspiration to keep doing my best to be the best person and father I can for you, to always let you know I love you.  See, if nothing else, I want to be able to look back on my life and realize that I did my job to the best of my ability.  That job is being a father, the greatest, hardest, and most satisfying job ever handed to me.  I love you, I always will, and as long as God lets me stay on this earth with you, I will love you, and when I go, my love will last in your hearts, in your minds and souls.  It never fades. 

It’s hot in Topeka

It’s hot in To-Pe-Kaaaa, To-PEEEEE-ka, yes it’s really hot in Topeka.  How hot is the water Maddie?  Topeka…  God only knows…..

Never

I will never give up on you girls no matter what.  I made a vow to myself when we talked about heart memories for the first time that no matter what, no matter where, no matter when, I would always be thinking of you.  And I always will be.  I will do everything I can for you, I will be there, I will listen, I will love, and nothing can ever make me give you up, I know that we will fight for this joint custody of you both.  You are loved daily.  Sleep peacefully babies.

Fridays

We swtiched to Fridays last week.  Both girls responded to it immediately, without one bit of adjustment.  What a relief we finally were able to do that.  You both were able to do so well with the struccture, with knowing what to expect, having regularity and normalcy in your lives.  Maylie, you asked a very hard question for a a 7 year old and you did it so well, asking about your mother and I being friends was a lie.  Renee and I and both of you talked a lot about that together.  I am so proud of you Maylie, you asked a hard question and you did it great.  We all had a pretty darned good weeke, working well together, playing well together, school went well.  Maddie you slept with “Sick” bunny from your time in the hospital and Maylie with the still unnamed “Megan and Kara” bear.  I miss you, but we had a good 7.  A darned good 7.

Not Enough

I am not writing enough, doing enough, saying enough, loving enough.  Not sure it is possible.  I wanted to write every day, life gets in the way.  That’s a terrible excuse, there is no excuse really.  I am not being the father I wanted to be, to be different than my father, and to show you each and every minute what it was to be perfect.  I do try, I know you know I love you, someday the little I do may come across as sappy, overdoing it, but watching you bather and shampoo and condition your hair by yourself makes me realize I losing time fast, I am losing the young years, praying to dear God that I have made sure you knew I wanted to be a good father for you both. 

Fridays

Well we are starting to move towards to Fridays this week.  We think it will be easier on everyone, because it gives us the weekend to transition in.  I suspect Maddie will struggle with this tonight and tomorrow night since she usually is so ready to come to our home she can barely stand it.  Maylie, you’ve got the pattern, your seem to easily slide back and forth, but I think you get really excited to come home.  I’ve missed you really badly, I’ve been looking at the stars, the moon, and I have wondered if you are looking up then too. 

The twins

Kameron and Maylie, legos, video games, Star Wars, oh my, so similar, fidgety Frank and fidgety Fiona.  You both settle in easily, your hearts so big, so soft, eager to please, laughing like goofs, rough housing with each other.  Maylie getting excited when she gets to see Kam, Kam doing the same, his little agonizing heart when you girls are away, missing you both, asking over and over when you are coming home.  You two meshed just like Maddie and Kelsie, our little geeks, our little explorers, content to pall around with each other, and good gosh if anyone is silly enough to hassle with either one of you, the other hardens those soft hearts right on up and you both turn into brother and sister bear and lord help the person picking on either of you because they have the mighty Clan to contend with, headed by our strong little warriors.